Notes of my deadlock...

#1
even though i've known the root of many mistakes in my logic,
still, i found another mistakes...
it doesn't make sense...
or may be the way i reflecting myself is wrong...
then how i must react?
then how i solve this problem?

#2
the root of my chronic procastination habit is my "perfectionist habit" that wrapped by pessimism...
then, what should i solve first?
my pessimism?
my perfectionist habit?
or straight to my procastination problem?

#3
i'm a realist, so turning my pessimism to optimism is impossible if there no real example of successfull optimism...
unfortunately what i see everyday is a bad example of people that infected by "super optimism delusions"...
his dream is badly out of sight, so it naturally troubling me as a realist to keep up with his action as my leader...

#4
facing my procrastination habit straightly is a bad idea...
i've try it and failed miserably...

#5
the last option is to get rid of my perfectionist habit..
i have an idea to do my job imperfectly and adapt with others reaction..
i wanna proof that my "fear of mistakes" is just my delusion...
but..
what if i makes fatal mistake that cannot be cured when doing that step?

#6
this is my deadlock...
i have dark past, i've been trained to aim for the best but never trained to correcting mistakes nor get up when failed...
not all children fortunate enough to have parents that teach that...
humpft...

but, not all children fortunate enough to have parents that teach how to thought as deep as me...
:')

#7
so, i chose that "risk"...
(Insya Allah)
no progress that can be gained without risk...

and anybody that knows me,
please help me avoid making fatal mistakes..
(include mistakes that i made when writing this notes)
i'm not alone in this world right?

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Megurine Luka - Perfectionist Complex Lyrics (Translated)

Romaji :

"Tsunagu hibi ni imi wa aru no?

 Kamisama no himatsubushi no sekai 

Hito ni kachi nanka nai desho.

 Shinde mo nani mo kawara nai"

Ikite te mo shinde mo onaji nara

boku wa "ikiru" wo erabu yo.

 Ite mo inakute mo onaji de mo

semete nanika wo nokosu sa.

"Kowai, aimai na mirai

tsurai, itai kurai kako 

Mou iya da, kanjou fusai de shimaitai"

Waratte mo naite mo onaji demo

boku wa naku yo, warau yo.

 Wara warete nando mo kizutsuite mo

warai tobashite miseru sa

"Kanzen na boku ja nai to ne boku wa boku wo aisenai yo 

Utsurou mono wa yowai kara kanjou wa jama ni naru dake 

Nara kidoairaku ni imi wa nai desho 

Tsuyoku narezu kurushii dake?"

Kanjou wa itsumo yokei demo

dokoka atatakai mon daro. 

Kanzen ja nakute fuantei na

mono wo "kokoro" to yobitai na

Ikite te mo, shinde mo onaji ka wa

ikinuite kara kimeru yo

Waratte mo naite mo mukuware nakute mo

sonna inochi wo aisu yo

Kanzen na mon nado mou nani mo nakute ii yo 

Toushin dai de ii, sou, ii yo. "Ii no?" Ii yo.

"Ii no?" "Ii no?" Ii yo.

English:

Is there any meaning of the connecting days? 

This worlds is merely made by gods to fight off boredom

There isn't any value to people is there

Because even if you die, nothing changes

If living and dying is the same thing

Then I’ll choose live

Even it's the same thing whether it's here or not

Then I’ll just leave something behind

I’m afraid, of the unknown future

It painful, it hurts, my dark past

“I hate this, I just want to lock away all my feelings”

Laughing and crying, even if it’s the same thing

I will laugh and cry

Even if people sneer at me, even if I get hurt

I will simply laugh them off

“Unless I’m perfect, I cannot love myself”

Being unclear is weak, emotions just get in the way

But then, all the emotions- happiness, anger, and sadness- would have no meanings

“You’re just in pain because you can’t get strong...”

Even though emotions are just nuisance

There’s a certain warmth to them isn’t there?

Something that’s not perfect, something that’s unstable

I would like to call it a “heart”

To find out whether living and dying is the same thing...

I’ll find out Rafter I’ve lived through my live

Even if i laugh or cry or don’t get rewarded

I will love that live

Three doesn’t have to be anything that’s perfect

Yes, it can be something that fits Tour size

Its okay

It’s okay?

Its okay

It’s okay?

It’s okay?

Its okay

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. . .

Jika relativitas adalah air..
Maka kebenaran akan memancar,
membentuk arus,
lalu mengaburkan jalan yang lurus...
Ah apakah salah
jika melihat hitam putih tak bernoktah?
Bukankah jika tidak benar maka salah?
Lalu salahkah aku memandang berbeda?
Yang ku tahu
warna tak sekedar hitam dan putih...
Tapi, jika melihat seperti itu,
akankah kutemukan kebenaran?

(sekitar desember 2011)

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KAU

Teringat aku sekelumit kisah masa lalu
Teramat pahit dan nista bertalu
Terbungkus sakit, ah..
Orang-orang sepertimu memang
Pantas untuk berkata
Cinta itu buku
Dibaca dan dinikmati
Dibuang setelah mati
Lalu cari yang baru
Lalu buang lagi
Ah, kau memang pantas,
Buku baru masih mengantri..
Tapi itu musibah bagiku
Yang tau bahwa
Cinta itu prasasti
Catatan hati yang dibawa mati..
Kini, tinggal reruntuhan hati
Di sudut kota tua kalbu ini
Sakit
Meski bumi tlah mengorbit
Tetap ada rindu itu
Perih itu..
Ah, hatiku masih hangus terbakar
Meski setaun berlalu
Benciku masih bertalu..
Tapi..
Secuil rinduku masih milikmu..
Ah..

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Hai Serigala

Hai serigala
Bukankah kau harus berlari
Berburu mengejar mangsa
Bukan hanya menerka asa
Atau kau ingin bunuh diri?
Menunggu nazar menghampiri
Lalu pasrah saat dikuliti...
Hai serigala,
Kau masih hidup kan?
Kau masih perlu makan kan?
Karena itu kau harus camkan,
Bahwa rusa tak kan mati didepanmu kawan..

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